That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
