Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
