sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
