Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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