I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
