so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
