Please, let me fuck your mom
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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