i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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