Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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