the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
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I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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