I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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