this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
are you so shy because you have an std?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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