either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
