i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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