The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
