new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Actions speak louder than pants.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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