i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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