this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
