i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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