ya dads aren't the best wingmen
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Randomize
