i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
