I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
