true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
