So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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