hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
