I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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