o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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