Moan for me like Helen Keller
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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