My liver just broke up with me...
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
