we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
