and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
