The maid of honor just puked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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