Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
