I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
