please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
