I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?