His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
