We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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