make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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