Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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