somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
