god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
