good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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