my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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