i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
