Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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