can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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