so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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