I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
