the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
