you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
