I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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