hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
