What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
