He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
