I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
