I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
