My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
